The Happenings of Hogwarts
by NiveaAnima
Summary: Okay, so what happens when Alfred Jones and Arthur Kirklands' cats go exploring and find strangely coloured liquids... at Hogwarts? Well, cuteness and pervertedness ensues. Hogwarts AU, crackish, USUK, NiChu, heaps more, rated for language and smut.
1. The Cats Go Exploring

**My second story! Collab with Knight The Cat. The lengths of the chapters might skip around a bit, but I'm trying to keep between 1000 and 1500 words. I'll say more in the next chapter; this is more like a prologue. Enjoy~!**

Alfie headbutted Iggy, receiving an annoyed meow. He had just trotted up to where the smaller cat was lying in the front of the dying flames in the fire place.

Dinner was well on its' way and the Gryffindor common room was empty. Alfred Jones' enterprising cat had been struck with an idea.

Arthur Kirklands' cat had unfortunately become privy to the bright, out going personality the larger cat had inherited from his owner and was therefore not surprised, though still mildly annoyed, when Alfie began to pester him.

"Come with me!" He was saying. Iggy shook his head and curled up again.

After some more pestering, Iggy stood up, giving a mutinous glare, as if to say, "We _will_ be back quickly."

Alfie gave the hugest grin a cat could give and promptly dragged him out of the portrait hole. Before Iggy knew it, he was in the dungeons. He headbutted Alfie, unamused.

Alfie had, in fact, found the Slytherin common room. Being a restless cat with nothing to do all day in Hogwarts Castle, aside from being taken down to a few transfiguration classes, he had gone out exploring and, well, stalking.

He didn't know what he'd found, but it seemed to be a hidden door in a wall, which excited him enough to go up and get Iggy, who, no matter how the other denied it, was his friend.

Miraculously, a few meows got them through the door. When it shuddered open, very loudly, both cats made to run away, terrified. They didn't get very far before Alfie tripped over Iggy, and, upon being crushed, the smaller cat let out a muffled squeak, looked back and realised that the door didn't look that threatening after all.

After flailing a little bit to get Alfie off, he cautiously entered the spacious room and began to explore. Alfie bounded in after him, looked around for a few minutes at a much faster pace than Iggy and disappeared into the dormitories.

Iggy nosed around, preferring to search for comfortable places for naps and pretty, shiny things to play with. He broke a few things, and eventually settled on curling up on an armchair with a nervous first years' stuffed owl toy.

The only other cats who lived there were sleeping or out, but Alfie did get hissed out of the fifth year boys dorm (it was very clean) quite violently by a small blond feline with green eyes, hovering protectively near a smaller, almost identical kitten with a purple ribbon around its' neck, sleeping peacefully.

He found most of the girls dorms very boring, though he did end up making just as many trinkets as he had in the boys dorms fall to the floor. There seemed to be a few more breakable things in the girls dorms, though.

He soon found himself in the year six boys dormitory. As with every other dorm, he set about poking through every bed one by one.

First, Ivan Braginskis' bed. It was absolutely covered with blankets, and there were two huge coats hung on the end. Other than that, it was impeccably organized. Alfie moved on.

Second, Eden van der Beeks' bed. It was pretty clean, uninteresting. Oh course, his joints and lighters were hidden in a little magically sustained cavern in the middle of his mattress.

The next three beds, well… Even the professors had given up. Antonio Carriedo, Gilbert Beillshmidt and Francis Bonnefoy were like the Slytherin (if you want to stereotype) version of Fred and George Weasley, except without the brothers thing, 'cause that would make their friends with benefits thing very creepy.

They just seemed to sleep on whatever bed they chose to fall on, whether it was their own or not. And if they all fell on the same bed…

They had agreed to keep most of their stuff out of sight, so lately they had been uncommonly neat. Technically, Antonios' bed was first, then Francis', and Gils' was the furthest back. As Alfie made his way across, he saw… something he _really_ should not have seen. If only he didn't love bright colours so much…

He raced back out to Iggy, jumping up to the armchair and headbutting him, causing him to fall less than gracefully onto the floor due to the restricted space on the chair. He landed on the owl toy, feeling very lucky that he hadn't chosen the higher, smaller armchair closer to the fireplace.

He hissed at Alfie, but the larger cat ignored him and meowed insistently until Iggy followed him.

Between Gilbert and Francis' beds, only half concealed, were two goblets, filled to the brim. One had something bright blue, and the other forest green, clearly very similar substances.

Alfie beckoned Iggy over, already staring into the blue stuff. Iggy gave him a look of disbelief. Nevertheless, he trotted up slowly and looked into the green liquid with distaste. Accidentally dipping his nose in it, he rubbed it off with his paw, alarmed.

Meanwhile, Alfie watched him with a huge grin on his cat-face, and dipped his own nose into the blue. Iggy rubbed that off, too, worried. His friend just indicated that they should both drink, and lapped at it once, motioning to Iggy.

Iggy lapped too, and Alfie stuck in. Iggy worriedly drank, only proving again that he'd do anything Alfie asked him to. He was the first to feel sick, and stumbled away with a third of the strange liquid left.

Alfie, like his owner, could stomach almost anything, almost finishing his before stumbling after Iggy, hitting one the legs on Francis' bed.

They crashed into each other and fell, rapidly losing consciousness. Iggy headbutted Alfie; the last action before they were both out.


	2. The BTT Are Busted

Dinner was already finished by then. The first sounds permeating the low air of the dungeon common room came only a few minutes later.

Francis was grinning, his arms draped around Toni and Gils' shoulders. "It will go ahead tonight, mes amis," he laughed deliciously, his fingers curling across his two friends' collar bones.

"Speaking of, where's Ivan?" Gil asked. Strangely, it was Ivan and Francis who had started the dorms latest plot. Although they were renowned for some pretty out there plots, usually they were Gilberts' ideas.

This time, Gil was simply in charge of the diversion, and the whole thing would mostly benefit Ivan and Francis, while screwing the lives of a few Gryffindors.

The common room was starting to fill up, cries of "shit, someone's been through every thing!", "It's broken!" and "My dorm's been raided!" beginning to fill the space. If you listened closely, you could hear a tiny little eleven-year-old wailing "Owlie!"

Francis led a mad scramble towards his dorm, frantically hoping it was untouched. Stopped at the door by Eden, Francis poked him. "You know you'll be implicated by this too, mon ami. If anyone's…"

Eden huffed, batting the French boys' hand away. "Fine, but I warned you…"

Inside, most of it really was untouched, mostly due to their neatness.

Ivan, the huge block of a boy, was kneeling in front of… something, clearly poking it. "We have an issue, da?" He said, turning to face them. "You saw Alfred and Arthur at the feast, da?"

Francis nodded and walked up. "Is it the potion? Is it bad?"

"Well, it is all gone, da?" Francis looked over Ivans' shoulder and blanched.

Two boys with cat ears and tails, face down on the floor. They both looked about sixteen to eighteen years old, and were almost identical to their _owners_, beside the fact that Iggy was almost the size of a twelve year old and Alfie was a little smaller as well. "Scottish fold… and ragdoll," Francis said, examining the parts of them that were still feline. "How is it that the cats of the exact people we were going to use that potion for were the ones to find it?"

Gilbert looked at them and shrugged. "What I'd like to know is how they were stupid enough to drink it."

Francis huffed and sat down on his bed. "Ah well…" He perked up a little, though, tilting his head curiously and placing a finger to his cheek. "It would be very nice to keep them, actually-,"

The perverted young Frenchman was cut off by Gilberts' younger brother, Ludwig, barging into the room. Gilbert was a year his elder, but Lud was definitely more mature. "Vash said he saw you in quite a hurry, and Swiss is very agitated, like he thought Shine was in danger- Mein Gott!" He had been steadily moving closer, and the cat-boys were now in his sight. "What have you done, bruder? Professor Valdus will hear of this!"

"N-no!" Gilbert cried, lunging, but Ludwig was good as gone.

Francis sighed and looked over at Gil, a loudmouthed albino with a huge, fragile ego. "Mon ami, have I ever told you I hate your brother? I wanted to keep them." His lips twisted into a pout, and Gil scowled from the floor, where he'd landed unceremoniously.

Francis, Antonio and Gilbert, more commonly known as the Bad Touch Trio, were sluts, Antonio could give you the most romantic night of your life, Gilbert could fuck you dry and leave you breathless and Francis was a perfect, perfectly perverted mix of the two.

They had been forced to agree to keep their mind-scarring abilities far away from those whose minds could be scarred. Luckily, Ivan a pervert who wore earmuffs most of the time to fend off his natural coldness and Eden was high almost constantly, as well as very kinky. They often joined in.

The walls down in the dungeons were thick, so as well as all that, the fifth and seventh year boys were given somewhat of a reprieve. Not enough, though, they said. At least they were able to block it out.

The BTT were currently puzzling over their situation and Eden was grumbling about not being able get his joints out lest he give the professor actual proof that he was a stoner.

Professor Valdus was head of Slytherin house, a tall, no-nonsense man with Germanic features. In a situation like this, with the cat-boys, even the not-safe-for-work material the Bad Touch Trio could blackmail him (and everyone else who'd try to bring them down) with would not work.

They waited, alternating between poking the poor cats and musing over what to do if they decided they would stop at nothing to keep out of trouble and keep the cute young boys. The only plausible thing they could come up with was disillusionment charms, but the professor would catch it.

He had just arrived in the common room, and Ludwig was pushing through the crush of Slytherins who thought the problem in their dorm was the most legitimate.

Ludwig simply grabbed at Valdus' sleeve, "I can tell you, this is matters a lot more than their crap being broken. It's the BTT, Professor."

Due to must teacher's natural aversion to the three boys, Valdus took a little persuasion, but Lud didn't mess around, especially when talking about his brother.

The professor followed him over to the boys dormitory and made sure no one looked in behind them, the fifth year German boy walking in with a "Bruder, Francis, out of the way!"

Valdus turned and froze, leaving Lud to scurry over and shut the door. "What in the royal fuckery is this?" The professor exclaimed. He seemed at a loss of what to do.

Muttering to Ludwig to get the headmaster, he approached the cat-boys awkwardly and joining in on the poking. Lud bit his lip, found another student to go on the errand and stood guard at the door while Valdus questioned the dorm.

The headmaster arrived after about half an hour, seemingly serious. It was actually very well known that Headmaster Romulus was a slut. Young, old, rich, poor, he'd do them all. He was the only teacher who could do anything about the Bad Touch Trio because he didn't care who knew who he slept with (or how) and having gained his job through being an elite auror, didn't have to worry about much else that he did. Sure, that picture of him with that first year could have been compromising, but Francis topped, so no one was too surprised. His first words when he approached Alfie and Iggy were; "Aw, they're so cute!"

Valdus sighed. He and Romulus had been students at Hogwarts together and they were sleeping together now. Well, Romulus slept with everyone, but it was really obvious that they at least slept together regularly, if not very frequently and had feelings for each other. Only the BTT, their dorm mates and the crazy Hungarian girl who provided them with their blackmail photos knew, and Valdus would die if that changed. "Romulus, please." He said, huffing. "Let's just get them to the hospital wing. Cats ingesting as much Polyjuice potion as they did…"

Romulus may have been a lax idiot of a headmaster /now/, but he was still an auror, and still retained his excellent magical prowess. If he bothered trying, he could keep the students in line easily. He whipped out his wand, raised the two nekos into the air and put them under disillusionment charms. Once Valdus had given a stern warning to the BTT that "I'll be back,' he took over one of the nekos' supervision and left with Romulus, who groped him just before they exited the dormitory.


End file.
